Only Room for One Savior

Standing in the kitchen at work today preparing lunch I started pondering my dating life. Why I have the insecurities I do, why so many (okay ALL) of my relationships have resulted in failure, and all of a sudden this thought dropped into my head "You're trying to be their Savior." I almost dropped the spinach I was washing as I reluctantly let myself ponder that thought once again. In true depraved form I started mentally denying it, "No I don't, I try to point them towards God. I don't want to be anybody's savior...that's RIDICULOUS." Gently, I started to think about each of my relationships to date. Each one with a man with a different type of brokenness, a different type of past, a different story, a different need, but only one answer (here's a hint: I wasn't the answer...EVER).

The first with a boy looking for validation from a father who verbally abused him and abandoned him and a mother trying to be both parents. I think he really wanted the God that I described but so poorly showed him. I wanted to take his burdens, to hide his cares and worries from the world, to remove his fear and his pain. To make him trust and love again. Problem: I was attempting to fill a God-shaped hole with me...I was trying to save him.

The second relationship was with a boy who wanted nothing to do with God. His mother had been diagnosed with a mental disorder. His father loved him dearly but in his ardent desire to provide well for his boys had been often absent during his childhood. Instead there had been nannies, step mothers, and his brothers. He wanted a tangible love, he wanted to be able to "feel" love. Unfortunately, love that can be felt with our senses is always temporal...God's love isn't. I vacillated between pointing him to the wonder of my God and saying come on and taste my love...its a reflection of His love so maybe it will direct you to Him. Likewise he vacillated. In the end I was seen as narrow-minded because let's face it, in comparison to the God of the Universe my love (even if it isn't shallow) is lacking.

The third was possibly the hardest to explain. The boy was a follower of God. He knew scripture and verse more than most but he possessed a brokenness that I had not even scratched the surface of. There was much pain behind his eyes, much that he kept veiled and hidden, much secrecy. He shared a few of his secrets, I uncovered a few more, and vowed that I would not leave him nor forsake him. That I would show him unconditional love. Problem: He could not and would not reveal everything...and perhaps for good reason, it was between him and God. Yet I wanted to be that human alter. Cast your cares at my feet. I can cover them. I promise. I'm wrong.

My eyes welled with tears....what on earth do I do God? Where is the line between being Jesus to others and allowing you to be their Savior? Why am I so unhappy here? How do I stop attempting to be their Savior? How do I break this cycle before it breaks me?

His response went something like this:
Meet with me. The reason you can't find purpose in this is because you haven't been seeking my purpose. You know what Jeremiah 29:11 states. You know the scriptures...
Get lost in Me. The right man can only find you if you're truly lost in Me. He's searching for you Lyndsey but he's trusting in me for you, which means that you have to be in Me so he can find you.

Me:
God this whole thing sounds very Alice in Wonderlandesque. I feel like I'm going down the rabbit hole.

God:
How did you find salvation? You lost your self. In order for something to be found it always has to be lost. You have been lost in the world and you were found by worldly men. If you are lost in me then you will be found by godly men.